Why I Haven't Written

The last time I published a blog post was five long months ago.

Five months before this steamy December day in Thailand, I still lived in the just as steamy city of Miami. I was in a cozy, two bedroom apartment with a tennis court view. I coached from home every day, and Stefan was still an engineer. We were about to break the news to everyone that we were moving across the world to Southeast Asia in a couple months. We were ready to go on a giant summer tour of Europe. But none of it had happened yet. Five months ago, we were still planning and packing. Excited and terrified.

How can you mentally prepare yourself for changes so drastic? (You can’t.) Can you foresee what it will be like to live abroad? (Nope, it’s impossible.) No matter how hard we tried to imagine it, Thailand was still in the future, just waiting to happen.

However, now, Thailand is in the past, present, and future of my life. Stefan and I have resided in this gorgeous country for over two months now, and we’ll be here for at least four more. That brings me to why I haven’t written in all of these months, even though I’ve had enough to post about to last a lifetime.

I haven’t written because I was packing my life away and stowing it all at my mom’s house for the foreseeable future. I haven’t written because I’m afraid of flying and that fear consumes my thoughts before any traveling happens. I haven’t written because my plane landed back in Germany for the first time in a decade. It was the first time since my German host family and I gave each other tear soaked hugs goodbye and promised to visit one another very soon. Let me tell you, time flies by and then it’s ten years gone.

I haven’t written because I was wholeheartedly, madly consumed by Europe. So consumed, so wanting to be present, that I didn’t open my laptop for the entire five weeks I was there. I haven’t written because I was showing my mom around the country that I love. I haven’t written because my mother and I finally got to see the regions in Germany and France that our ancestors immigrated to America from. There’s a town near Munich that matches her maiden name: Freising.

I haven’t written because I witnessed the stormy blues and purples of the Swiss Alps in summertime with my own two eyes. I haven’t written because I walked alone through the fabled Black Forest of Germany as rain drizzled down between the dark tree branches and fog rolled in around me. I haven’t written because I stood within cavernous cathedrals that left me in awestruck silence. I haven’t written because I jogged up hundreds of cobblestone stairs in order to look out over the Rhine River Valley at sunset.

I haven’t written because I was obsessed by all of the old world history permeating through the walls around me. I haven’t written because I was drinking Riesling every night from the hillside vineyards that we passed through each day. I haven’t written because I saw natural beauty so intense that I cried. I haven’t written because I rode bicycles miles upon miles through each scenic town. Farmland, riversides, downtowns, parks, neighborhoods- I saw it all and felt the wind of each country against my face. How lucky am I to be alive?

I haven’t written because I saw all of Amsterdam by water, on a little boat with red wine and cheese. I haven’t written because Stefan and I were having nightly, deep conversations in cafes across Europe. I haven’t written because I was dragging my luggage from train to train, country to country- the windows a blur of bright green grass and wildflowers. I haven’t written because I was drinking pitchers of beer with Germans while feeling the warm summer sun on my cheeks.

I haven’t written because I was having the most fun I could ever imagine. I haven’t written because it felt like I’d never left Germany. I haven’t written because I was creating the happiest of memories with Stefan and my German host family as they met for the first time. I haven’t written because I felt whole again. Home again.

I haven’t written because I had to come back to America and pack for my next big trip. I haven’t written because I was saying goodbye to my Mom and Dad who I wouldn’t see again for at least half a year. I haven’t written because the time finally came to fly to Thailand. Who ever thought that this day would arrive after so many months of dreaming?

I haven’t written because the vibrancy of Thailand is mesmerizing. I haven’t written because I was washing elephants in a river and feeding them fresh watermelon. I haven’t written because I was visiting giant, golden temples and bowing to monks in their orange robes. I haven’t written because I was motorbiking through winding mountain roads and looking out over lush rice paddies. I haven’t written because I was meeting people who love the world outside of America just as much as I do.

I haven’t written because I finally started teaching English classes. I haven’t written because my kids are both adorable and exhausting. I haven’t written because I’ve been making Thai friends and exploring my little, riverside town called Nakhon Chai Si. I haven’t written because I enjoy going to Bangkok on weekends to experience the modern comforts of city life. I haven’t written because I love the Thai culture and don’t want to miss out on anything.

I haven’t written because I’m so in the moment. I haven’t written because I’m truly living.

 

So tell me- what would you love to see me write about in the upcoming months? Please let me know in the comments below, and I'll be sure to create a post on your topic of interest. :)

 

With love, Caylee